A reflection on where I am now (and where I hope to be)

I have an unpleasant lack of exciting projects in my life. This is, of course, completely unsurprising since I'm a broke college student and my only projects are for class. 


Still, summer nears and my favorite bloggers are revealing all sorts of glamorous and thrilling happenings in their lives. Gabi of Gabifresh has revealed a swimsuit calendar with Swimsuits for All, as well as a kickass video of her, Tess Munster of My Plus Size Life, and Nadia Aboulhosn covering the music video for Beyoncé's "Flawless". Every time I read about another one of these brilliant projects it fills me with respect and admiration for these flawless women, and just a pinch of envy. Fortunately it is not the sort of blinding jealousy that causes me to sit and stew in misery, but just a spark. Enough to give me a gentle nudge of motivation. I look up to these women and I don't see any reason why I couldn't be tackling thrilling assignments in the near future. I've always known that whatever I do in life I don't want to answer to a lot of people before I answer to my own philosophies and beliefs, and I wanted to write for the sheer joy of doing so. The question of what to write about has always been hard for me to pinpoint an answer for, but as I've immersed myself more and more into this culture of successful plus size bloggers, body positivity, and what seems to me like just some general, authentic happiness, it dawned on me that happiness is what I in fact have always been striving for, whether or not I knew it. In finding Brenden, in moving into our house, filling it with things I love, allowing myself to wear what makes me feel pretty, in adopting my two (aggravating yet perfect) kitty cats, and in going back to school (after a little year long hiatus), I've put myself on the path to happiness. Blogging has always had a certain appeal to me, as has the idea of only having myself to rely on and answer to in my day to day life (career-wise, that is). I know that it will be stressful at times, liberating at others, and generally very hard at first, but I've recently sat down with Brenden and talked this out. My choices in life, as of right now, are these:

1. Find something I can do that I don't completely hate that hopefully employs my talents and doesn't make me hate myself every day (as the women in my family have been attempting to do for generations).
2. Follow a passion of mine that will bring me opportunities. Something I may fail at miserably, or something that will enhance my life. Something I can be proud of, and be happy to do. And something that lets me be true to myself.

I'm certain it's not very fair of me to divide my life into two paths, but I know the only thing that will make me truly happy is following a dream of mine. Some great and awe-inspiring passion that will either cast me into a life of ruin and despair (or more likely just damn me to working some less-enjoyable jobs to help support my family) or fill my life with meaning and joy.

For the first time in my life I'm choosing to take the risk. And I do hope you'll spot me while I jump.